On me saying, “Wanna hear a funny story? It’s actually more sad than funny” ….
“Yeah that sounds like your life.”
On her effort to get comfortable in bed…
“This is like an opera dance. I didn’t mean to say opera.”
On silverware…
“When I grow up and get a house and a silverware drawer, I’m going to have a slot for knives, a slot for spoons, a slot forks, and a slot for sporks.”
On family gatherings…
“Just once I want to spend Christmas alone.”
On wearing a hat shaped like a penguin…
“This is what I’m here for: to deny the existence of unicorns and to terrify.”
On me sleeping…
“You look like a caterpillar. I may mean a tomato worm… but you don’t have spots.”
On social interactions…
“I don’t like people- there are too many uncontrollable variables. I want a cat.”
On Michael Cera…
“Ohhhh you mean the guy from the Facebook movie. He played Tim Jobs or whatever.”
On the rule of three…
“I had to go outside for the fire drill in a bathrobe, and you had a coughing/choking fit. Now one of us just needs to have seizure for the night to be complete.”
On Girl Scouts…
“On my honor, I will try, to steal your cookies and eat them because they are delicious.”
